If I Were Hot

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 22:16:04 GMT

Today I find myself wondering about some of my many insecurities. I'm not one who believes that if I were beautiful I would have no problems, I'm not that clueless. However! I do wonder what insecurities I would have if beauty wasn't something I worried about constantly.

For the record, I wouldn't say I'm ugly and most often I get "cute" which is great if I were a small furry animal, a Disney character, or a small child but as an adult, I kinda wouldn't mind hearing beautiful from time to time. If I ever manage to look hot, I believe it would take concentrated effort, lots of make-up, and an overall overhaul of what I look like from day to day which would make me high-maintenance and I don't want to be that!

What brought this all about? I went to a concert, where I know I looked completely out of place. The music didn't match the look. I know that. Still, I'm a fan, what can I say? Anyway, so we got there late. We'd kinda half jogged, half brisk-walked from the parking lot to the venue and it was a bit humid-not noticeable to the average person, but very noticeable to one with curly hair. So, we get there, I'm a bit sweaty, my hair is a big poof-ball and I make a bee-line for the never-ending bathroom line where I find myself behind this pristine, tall, delicate blond who is completely oblivious to me standing behind her, my eyes boring into her back, taking her in, inch by inch. Skin, hair, scent, clothes-all of it. Not in a sexual lesbian way but in a longing, sorta, I'll-never-be-that-and-life-isn't-fair-way. At one point, she places a hand up against the wall. She's got pale skin and slim, delicate fingers; a dainty, silver ring adorns the middle one and I can't stop staring. I look at my hands, they feel like sausages compared to hers. They're not, but they feel that way. My skin is darker and my nail polish, chipped. I cross my arms across my chest and tuck my hands under, curling my fingers into a fist. Why, oh why do I do this to myself??? When I finally leave the bathroom I feel as if everyone's watching the pudgy midget with the fro who's obviously at the wrong concert. I'm not pudgy and yes my hair my have been frizzy, but certainly not a fro! I know these things in general but they totally go out the window when standing next to someone like "tall perfect girl".

This is all infuriating because on a daily basis I try not to be so negative. I try to tell myself I'm a good person, and ok-looking and I need to stop comparing. And most days I believe myself, but every so often, life happens and I begin to compare and exaggerate and obsess before I can stop myself, sending me right back to square one... I can't imagine I'm the only one who does this kind of thing, but sometimes it definitely feels like it!

WTF?

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 18:58:17 GMT

I signed up for this thing and can't figure out how it works. I don't know anyone else who's on here (which is why it appealed to me) but now I have no one to explain things to me, and find myself wonder why I signed up for it at all- as if I don't have enough internet distractions to keep me occupied my whole work day. I've been tinkering with it for the past couple of days, but I can't figure what everything is or does. Not even close. It's very frustrating. What the hell is a friends page and what's it's purpose? Who's reading this? How does one make "friends", and do they know? How do you communicate with them? Can you send a message? What the hell is a "memory"? How do people find this-or do they?? Yeah, I've got a question or two.

It's a little intimidating actually. Kinda like your first day at a new school where everyone already knows each other and have their own little nuances and you're just standing around trying to blend in but at the same time hoping someone will point you in the right direction or ask if you'd like to sit with them at their lunch table.

I've decided that I'll just write and hope to figure everything out as I go. Yep, that's my plan...

dreaming_b

If I Were Hot

WTF?